I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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