i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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