I just saw a hot homeless man
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
