Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
