I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We talked him into tasing himself.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
