Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
