He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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