im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
