She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
