I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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