whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
