how can u be prego again
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
