just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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