I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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