I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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