Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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