so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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