last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
