Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
