I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Come on in and take your pants off
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