peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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