phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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