Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
