shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
