She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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