I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
