don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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