FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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