I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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