brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
