his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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