How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
