You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
