john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
