It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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