you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
