This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
