Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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