Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
