i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
