I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
