i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
