I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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