This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
