I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
