Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
