tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
sex in a hospital.. check
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
