Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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