It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
