He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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